


The Animated Adventures of Mike and Nhancy

by orphan_account



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Family, Fluff, Multi, Parody, Wholesome
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-05
Updated: 2019-12-05
Packaged: 2021-02-24 16:02:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21680620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: In an alternate universe calledWeirder Things,siblings Mike and Nancy constantly find themselves in terrible situations due to their poor life choices.
Relationships: Eleven | Jane Hopper/Mike Wheeler, Mike Wheeler & Nancy Wheeler, Will Byers & Dustin Henderson & Lucas Sinclair & Mike Wheeler
Kudos: 3





	The Animated Adventures of Mike and Nhancy

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, starcrawler here. This is a parody of Stranger Things that is not meant to be taken seriously. Just for kicks. This will be politically incorrect and offensive for some, so don't read it if you don't think you can handle it. I will post more onto this story in the future.

“I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Christmas is coming, but I'm not happy. I don't feel the way I'm supposed to feel.”

\- Charlie Brown

1

“Mike, you gotta get up.”

“Huh? What?” Mike Wheeler rubbed his eyes. He lay in his bed, and from his blurry vision he deduced that it was still before sunrise. He squinted at the dark shape above him. “Nancy, wha-?”

“No time to explain, Mike! Just get changed into something black and meet me in the hall.” With that his sister rushed out the door.

Mike grumbled as he changed out of his pajamas and into more appropriate outdoor attire and pushed his glasses onto his face. Glancing at his bedside clock, he read _3:20._ Great. He looked inside his closet, found the jacket he was looking for, and grabbed it.

“Hurry, no time!”

“Wha-?”

Nancy reappeared in his room and pushed him out. “Out you get. This’ll be an adventure! _The Animated Adventures of Mike and Nhancy!”_

2

“Okay, so can you tell me what’s going on?” Mike felt wary. He sat with his arms crossed in her car. Snow fell outside the window, where it was still incredibly dark. Mike knew what his sister was like during _these_ moods; they were never fun.

“I found something incredible, Mike,” Nancy said, never taking her eyes off the road.

“Uh huh. That really explains everything.”

“You wanna walk back on your own?”

“...No.”

When they neared Hawkins Lab, Mike felt a bit scared. “Nancy, you’re not taking us to the lab, are you?”

“That's exactly what I’m doing.” She laughed as she pushed the gas and drove straight through the chain-link fence. Mike screamed and held onto the roof handle for dear life as Nancy started doing donuts. 

_“ÆUGHÆ!”_

They parked in the nearly-empty lot of the large, blocky building. Nancy hopped out and threw the keys to Mike, who barely caught them. “Don’t lose ‘em.”

An armed guard had been sitting at the entrance on a chair he had brought from inside. When he saw them approaching, he cried, “Stop!” and attempted to stand. He brought the entire chair up with him.

“Um…” said Nancy.

“It seems like his ass contained moisture, and the low temperatures caused it to freeze, sticking the chair to his ass,” said Mike, adjusting his glasses.

“What a hero. Taking one in the name of science.” Nancy grabbed the guard’s gun as he tried to unstick himself and whipped him on the head. He went down in a heap, chair and all. The chair caused him to land in an awkward angle, with his ass sticking up into the air. Nancy kept walking.

“Um, won’t he freeze to death?”

“The better question, Mike, is: will we?”

“What?”

They pushed through the front doors and into the lobby. They walked for quite a while through the twisting hallways before Mike spoke again.

“So what’re we here for?”

“Steve said that there’s a real cool artifact in here; should be able to make a couple hundred.”

“Since when did you trust that weirdo?”

“Valid point, but this is a huge opportunity for us to be able to move out of the shithole.” Nancy pointed to a door. “See that door? Behind it is an ancient artifact from _Babylon,_ Mike. Babylon!”

“Right. Didn’t they exile the Jews or something?”

“Water under the bridge, Mike. Besides, we’re, like, a quarter German. We’re supposed to like that, or something. Now c’mon, help your sister out, will ya?”

“Ugh. Fine.”

They crept toward the heavy steel door. Mike held his breath as his sister pulled out the ID card she’d snagged from the security guard and held it towards the slot.

Then she screamed.

“What?! What’s going on?!” Mike cried. He whipped around and saw his best friend, or one of them, at least, Lucas Lingclair, the token Chinese kid from the hit Netflix series, _Weirder Things._ He stood there, looking quite out of place in his North Face jacket.

“Ni hao, Mike. Ni hao, Nancy.”

“Um, Lucas, how did you get here?”

“Your sister was going experiment on me. She kidnapped me and hide me in her trunk.” Lucas didn’t even seem to mind.

“Shit, my bad.”

“All good in the hood. Did I say that right?”

“Okay, let’s go get this stupid artifact so we can go home. I want to go back to bed,” Mike grumbled. He ripped the ID card from Nancy’s hand and swiped it through the slot. The door opened noiselessly.

The three of them crept in. The room was dark, save for dim blue lights scattered all across it. It made for a sort of ambience that Mike quite liked. He felt so relaxed. He could just lie down and sleep…

“Mike, get a hold of yourself!” Nancy shook him.

“Ah, I’m awake! I’m awake-wait, what is this place?”

“I dunno, but it’s making me sleepy too. Lucas already fell asleep. Fight it, Mike. You gotta fight it! Make the Buellers proud!”

“We’re the Wheelers, Nancy.”

Nancy ignored him as she approached the center of the room, where a large capsule was erected. A glass dome curved over the top of the single pillar, like inside it was jewelry on display. “It’s like they’re begging us to steal it.”

“What even is the artifact? Like, what does it look like?” Mike joined her.

“Take a look for yourself while I… _reinvigorate_ …myself.” She dropped her signature baggie of white powder on the ground. She dumped its contents out and got down to business.

“You know we’re probably gonna have to replace your nose soon, right?”

“MMMMGHHM.”

Mike turned to look at the pillar. He was going to feast his eyes on an ancient relic. What would it be? Perhaps it would have the glint and glamor of classical art? Or maybe it was more basic, more of a ruin than a relic? Craned his neck to get a glance and...

And it was a dildo. A thick, curved, stone dildo.

“Nancy?”

“Huh?” She had spit coming from her mouth.

“Why are we here for a stone dildo? Who the fuck is gonna buy it?”

Nancy stumbled over to the pillar. She pushed the glass over, which landed with a resounding _smash!_ She grasped the dildo by the base and lifted it above her head.

“ _Hmm, six inches. Not bad._ Because, Mike, we’re not gonna sell it.”

“What?! You literally said it should make us a couple hundred!”

“I know, I know. I wasn’t lying, if that’s what you think I’m doing. Yeah I know that look. Friends don’t lie, okay? I get that.”

“So how’s this gonna get us any money?” Mike put his hands on his hips and really felt like his mom at that moment.

“I mean, I have a lot of tension in me, and it’s really hurting my chances at getting a job-”

“Aw, gross! Gross!” Mike stormed away and shook Lucas’s shoulder. Just then the blue ambience of the room shifted to red, and a loud blaring began coming from everywhere.

“I’m awake! I’m awake! Ready to do math homework!” Lucas shot up like a cannonball and smashed his head against Mike’s.

Mike rubbed his hand over his head and turned to Nancy, who to his dismay looked as confused as he did. But the fact that she was completely baked seemed to make this a more enjoyable experience for her.

“Nancy, what’s going on?”

“Fuck do I know?”

Suddenly they were all blinded by a white light that filled everything. Mike felt a wrenching feeling in his gut, like he was in an elevator that went at the speed of a car on a highway. He was going to be sick.

And then it all stopped. The lights turned back from red to blue, and Mike emptied his stomach of last night’s dinner. He could hear Nancy and Lucas do the same.

The three of them exchanged glances and rushed out the door. They had to get the fuck out of here.

The lab looked pretty normal, more or less, outside the room. The lighting was different, though. Like it was…like it was day outside!

They rushed back to where they had come from initially and pushed out into the lobby. It really was day outside. They pushed through the door and stumbled onto what could only be described as an alien planet.

Large, fuzzy trees dominated the landscape, looking like they were straight out of _The Lorax._ Their surroundings looked natural—at least as naturally as an alien planet could seem. The lack of straight edges was what made it look untamed. The sky, now that Mike could have a closer look, was a darker shade of blue than they were used to. The sun was way brighter up in the sky, and it was a lot warmer than winter in Hawkins usually was. When he breathed he couldn’t help but feel elated.

“Ah, shit. We were teleported to another planet, Mike!” Nancy gripped his shoulders and shook him.

“Yeah, I know. I know. Hmm…uncolonized land, weird trees, brighter/closer star, and oxygen rich atmosphere.”

“Wow, that dildo have magical powers?” Lucas cried, looking impressed.

“Looks like it. I thought it would feel magical, but it looks like it actually is!” Nancy laughed. Then she sobered. “Okay, well we have to get back. Do you have your Supercom, Mike?”

“Of course, but I don’t think it’s gonna work when we’re light years away from the nearest satellite.”

“Just try, please?”

“Fine.” He pulled the Supercom out from inside his pants and held it to his mouth. “Will, Dustin, do you copy? I repeat: do you copy? This is a code red.”

Static.

“See?” Mike noticed Nancy suddenly blanch, and he cried, “What is it, Nancy?”

“We-We…”

“Spit it out, goddammit!”

“We’re gonna miss the Christmas dinner! Mom’s gonna kill us!” she cried, throwing her head up towards whichever heaven this was, and Mike felt his stomach drop to his feet.

“Oh dear.”

3

“I think there’s something wrong with me, Dustin. I-” Will began.

“You like that you’re not trapped in the Upside Down and hiding from monsters anymore. But you’re still not happy. That’s what you were going to say. We all watched the video,” said Dustin.

“Okay, so how should we incorporate this into the play?”

They sat in Dustin’s living room, papers strewn all helter skelter, planning to direct the annual Hawkins Christmas play.

“Maybe you can be a depressed kid—or traumatized, or whatever—and after the play you learn the true meaning of Christmas.” Dustin looked quite confident in his idea.

“Which is?”

“We’ll get there, Will.”

Mews, Dustin’s cat, sauntered in with another cat, this one white. Will and Dustin watched the other cat get on top of Mews before Will turned to Dustin.

“Dustin, I think your cat’s gay.”

“Yeah, I’m starting to think so too.”

“Okay, bloody hell, I've got an idea.”

Will swept all the papers off the table and picked up a blank sheet off the ground.

“You could’ve just-” Dustin began, and was quickly silenced by Will’s glare.

“I know, wanker. You don’t need to remind me. Okay, so how about this: it turns out angels are just aliens, and they live on this other planet. And they fought a war against Lucifer, right? So their war destroyed all their natural resources and it forced some of them, including the angel Gabriel, to flee and come over to Earth. The angels left on the home planet would try to colonize Earth by building a portal on it, and they’d try to teleport their planet over here. So the enemy angels take over Chicago and start killing people. And Gabriel would team up with the US military and they’d kick some ass, then the US government would sign something that would force our allied angels to go back to their planet, and they’d all board a spaceship that blows up, and everyone thinks the good angels are dead. But then they come back and kick some more ass and force those angels to leave Earth.”

Dustin was quiet for a moment as Will’s face shone proudly. Then he said, “Did you just copy the plot of the third Transformers movie?”

Will’s smile disappeared and he glared at him. “Well, _Dustin,_ if you want to take the high road about it, that movie won’t come out in about thirty years, which means that they’ll be copying me.”

Dustin considered that for a moment, before nodding. “Alright, you convinced me. What’re we gonna call this play?”

_“Dark of the Womb.”_

“Genius,” Dustin said, before pulled out a gun from his backpack and shooting Mews.

4

“Look, Gary, I’m a bit stressed out right now. I don’t know where the kids are, my roast is burning, and I’ve been meaning to tell you: Mike says he’s really uncomfortable when you rub his shoulders.”

Karen Wheeler was stuck in the kitchen, forced to abide by her own stupid traditions, one of which included the Christmas dinner that she used to love before it became such a chore as it was now.

Gary, her brother, just grinned. “C’mon, Karen. Know when a kid’s joking with you. He loves me! And what are you so stressed out about? You’re the most successful one in the family!”

“Not a very high bar considering that both my brothers are homeless, and our sister died of a drug overdose.”

“Ouch, Karen. Had to bring that up. It’s not easy living in a cardboard box, y’know? But it’s a good character-building experience.”

Karen sighed before wringing her hands. “Gary, don’t talk about character building when you can’t even afford to buy yoyos for my kids as Christmas presents. Anyway, when is Wentworth coming? And is he bringing Richard with him? And I hope you told him to leave his bitch at home.”

Gary laughed. “Yeah, I called. Wentworth is about an hour from Hawkins, and he left everyone else back at home. Well home means the RV, but you get the idea. Said his son’s dealing with some shit, and Maggie’s cutting her wrists again.”

Karen nodded, satisfied. “Good, Richard is an annoying little shit and his mother is even worse.” She pulled the burning roast from the oven and placed it on the counter.

“So where are the kids? I’ve been looking forward to seeing my little buddies all year.”

“I don’t know where they went, besides Holly, but when I find them, I’m gonna kill them.”

“Did you hear about what happened at the lab today?”

“No, what? And what does this have to do with my kids?”

Gary leaned in. “The lab disappeared. Vanished. Poof! Foundations and all. There’s a giant hole where it used to be. I think it might have to do with them.”

Without another word, Karen gave up on the roast. She wrote _Out to find my kids. You know where the keys are, Wentworth_ on a piece of paper and grabbed some duct tape from the cabinet.

“What are you doing?” Gary asked.

“Parenting.”

5

“I think there’s a lesson we should learn from this shitty fanfiction,” said Nancy as they made their way through the dense hallways of the laboratory.

“Nancy, just shut the fuck up. This is your fault, if you remember,” Mike sighed.

“I know. I know. It’s just, well, I think there really is a lesson to be learned here.”

“Which is?”

“I dunno. We’ll find out once we get out.”

“Or we’ll never find out.”

“Or that,” Nancy agreed.

They had been wandering aimlessly through the hallways for what felt like hours now. They had been unable to make the dildo transport them back in any way, and Lucas was starting to freak out.

Mike sat down on a random spot in the halls and leaned against the wall. Nancy joined him.

“Maybe this thing has a cooldown? Maybe you have to stroke it?”

Mike shrugged, and Nancy began trying to see if the dildo somehow required pleasure before being able to do anything. Nothing really happened other than the fact that the dildo seemed a bit longer than before.

“This is so gay. I could be at the shitty Christmas dinner, getting molested by Uncle Gary-”

“Which isn’t ideal.”

“-which isn’t ideal, but still better than this shit. Your cocaine ran out and all we have is a giant fucking dildo on an alien planet with no way to get back. We have no food or water and if we do get back Mom’ll kill us.”

“Worst Christmas yet.” They sighed. Mike watched Lucas pace back and forth, solving for derivatives to pass the time.

“No!” Mike said, getting to his feet. Nancy watched him curiously. “There _is_ something we can learn from this. Be honest with yourself, Nancy. You could’ve chosen any day of the week to get the dildo. Why’d you choose today?”

“It was just random-”

“Was it really just random, or did you just not want to eat Mom’s burnt roast again? You wanted an excuse to dip on her. I wanted to avoid the dinner _and_ avoid Uncle Gary.” Mike’s eyes glazed behind his glasses.

“So what’s the lesson? That we’re shitty people?” Nancy pulled her knees up to her chest and sighed.

“Well, yeah, but also that we got fucked _because_ we didn’t have the Christmas spirit! Jesus got pissed ‘cause we didn’t care and now he’s punishing us!”

“That’s a weird conclusion to jump to.”

“That’s the lesson.”

And suddenly, white filled their visions again. Mike couldn’t help but feel giddy in spite of the nausea. Hopefully this meant that they were going back home, and not to another alien planet. He could only wait.

When the feeling of being in a super fast elevator stopped and the white in his vision faded, Mike helped Nancy up before they all ran over to the lobby. Sure enough, it was Hawkins again outside, at around noon, if Mike could guess correctly.

“Whoo!” Nancy shouted.

“Oh, long live Chairman Mao!” Lucas cried.

“What’d I tell you?” Mike nudged Nancy, grinning. She grinned back at him.

Nancy ruffled his hair, much to his chagrin. “You’re right again, little bro. Can’t believe the dildo waited for us to learn our lesson before it let us leave.”

Mike laughed. “Yeah. Thanks for saving us, magic dildo.”

* * *

_“This is Hawkins Lab control center, done with Test #2. Complete success. Teleported to Zentethion 34C2 and returned safely to Earth.”_

“Good job, men. We’ve taken our first step into the unknown reaches of physical sciences and relativity. The military will arrive soon to award you all.”

* * *

They passed by the guard, who still had the chair frozen to his ass.

“Nancy, he looks pretty dead. Is his tongue supposed to be blue?”

“Nah, he’s just sleeping, Mike. And yeah, he was probably eating something that was blue-raspberry-flavored. It’s fine, Mike.”

“You sure?”

“Definitely. Now let’s go home.”

They were walking towards Nancy’s car when they noticed their mom’s car parked in one of the spots. They could see Karen Wheeler looking murderous, with Gary Tozier right beside her, licking his lips and looking at Mike.

“Oh, shit.”

6

“-A deal had to be made. With Lucifer.” Troy pulled out his fake gun and shot Jimmy Harris, who played Raphael, twice in the chest.

Jimmy Harris fell on his back and held his hands up. “What…have…you done?”

“I hereby discharge you from duty.” Troy shot him some more times.

Dustin and Will sat in the large crowd gathered before the stage of Hawkins High’s auditorium, both feeling quite proud of their accomplishment. Today was the day of the Christmas play, and almost the entire town had gathered, all congregated in a mish-mash of greens and reds. The town, in Dustin’s eyes, was totally invested in _Dark of the Womb._ “This is quite the masterpiece, Will. You really did it this time, buddy.”

“Nah, I couldn’t have done it without you, Dustin. Split the difference fifty-fifty?”

“Yep, totally.” Dustin finished his drink.

Suddenly, someone cried, “This play sucks! This is literally the third Transformers movie!”

The crowd roared in agreement. Dustin sighed. “This is getting boring. These people don’t appreciate real art.”

“Yeah, you’re right, Dustin. Fuck ‘em right in the muff. I heard they’re gonna have a furry convention over in Indianapolis. You want to get Steve to drive us over there to check it out?” said Will.

“Now you’re talking.”

7

“Do you know how worried I was?!” Karen screamed. Lucas stood as far away from the siblings as he could.

Mike stepped forward. “Mom, we’re really sorry. _I’m_ really sorry. I shouldn’t have tried to skip out of the Christmas dinner. I’m sorry we made you worry, Mom.

“See, I learned something today. I might hate having to sit with Richie and Uncle Wentworth’s an old fart and Uncle Gary’s a pedophile, and I do think that your roast is always way too overcooked, but you’re still my family. You guys are what makes Christmas so special, and I really took you all for granted. I really appreciate you now, Mom. I also appreciate Uncle Gary, but I would also appreciate it if he understood what ‘no’ means. We’re sorry, and I want us to spend our Christmas together.”

Karen Wheeler’s eyes glistened with tears, and Mike exchanged a subtle look with Nancy, who looked quite proud of him. _Success._

“God, Mike.” She sniffed, and Mike felt his heart rear with triumph. “God, how did I raise such a fag?”

“What?”

Karen returned Lucas to his home, where he spent the day solving equations and eating with his family the cat that Dustin had hunted. Michael learned the value of family and spending time with those he loved. Nancy hid the dildo in the front of her pants, causing Uncle Gary to ask her when she made the transition.

And with that, little Michael and his sister returned home, where they ate Karen Wheeler’s famous overcooked roast, and they all laughed and talked and spent time together. As snow came down in a white sheet over the entire town, and Mike sat by the fireplace with his little sister, Holly, he decided maybe this wasn’t so bad. And the first of Mike and Nhancy’s many adventures came to an end.

Merry Christmas everyone.

**Author's Note:**

> I currently have an 8-chapter project in the works that I intend to begin releasing on starcrawler the moment it's finished. It will showcase the best writing I am capable of at the moment, and I think it will be the first story I write since Bill Denbrough (III) to be worthy of being on my main pseud. I'm aiming for around 100,000 words, and I currently have only about 13,000, so I have a lot of work to do. I'm trying to use this Winter Break to write a ton. Stay tuned for more news on that.
> 
> Thanks for reading and Merry Christmas!


End file.
